Part 2: Love is Not a Feeling
Social media diaries has been evident in the millennia, it becomes more acceptable through the years. I am one of them, I admit. Its tempting to report to those people who seems to care for you in Facebook, what you have been going through, how you feel in this particular day, what you achieved, where you have been, what you bought, what you eat. This is the trend that most people are getting into. It is much easier to express through Twitter than saying it to a close friend. Or worse, Instagram got the first view of the news instead of your family. This is how it goes now. It is slowly becoming a culture. And the more it has become the norm, the easier for the public to become the judge. Again, I am part of the pack, so I am one of the critics of these publicized posts. I am not proud of it. It took me feeling ill against my perceptions. What I find absolutely hilarious are the changing emotions and statuses people post. At the end, it will be leaving you confused of what they really mean. One moment, they were so angry for the heartache, took an oath to never again risk a chance and post it in their personal social media sites. The very next day is a different story, stating how they love each other supported with a picture. *sigh. I'm not complaining because it is overly dramatic in my outlook but it is getting confusing. But then again, why am I ranting? Isn't love like that? When you feel butterflies in your stomach, that is love. But when the butterflies has died, then the love has also died with it.
For me, Love partakes a different meaning to me. Not all of the time, 24/7 of your existence you will feel good towards the person. There are times where the adornment is at its peak, there are also moments where you look at the person and imagine slapping him in the cheeks nonstop. Yes feelings are fleeting. It is a roller coaster ride that goes up and down. Circumstance defines the feelings but not love. True declaration of love is to choose to love over and over again no matter what. The choice to love is constant, it never stops, in the middle of anger, in the middle of doubt, in the middle of depression, in the middle of confusion. These things that happens to you is a cause of feelings. Do not drag love to it. True love is a definition of getting up in the morning with nasty breaths and declaring love for each other. Or in the verge of a big fight, you still look at the person and deciding to yourself that you will stay because you love him.
The roller coaster ride of emotions should not dictate whether you love the person or not. It is when you write in your paper heart the contract to him and with The Creator that he is going to be that one. The one you agreed to that invisible contract you are going to be with for the rest of your life, This all reminds me of that time where I decided to sign that contract. I saw him far away coming to me one morning at work. And then, I felt insecurities within, that insufficiency, the lack and the question why. I have never been so scared my whole life. We have been going out more than a month that time. And I already saw his worst. He can be consumed with his computer games all day, he can also sometimes act childish when engaging a conversation with his friends. I started to doubt. Do I really want him? He is far more different than the ideal man I used to fantasize before. Before, I used to dream of a man with the capability to treat me like a princess, to bring me to new places for a taste of adventure, a man who could introduce me to classy dishes and tour me around his palace. Alex was never that man. Instead, he stands out as the most practical human being I have known. When there is no need of it, he does not spend on it. That part of him irritates me. He can also be so ill tempered at times. When he sees that I am being foolish and clumsy, he won't miss the chance to rebuke me even at public. His acts weren't always perfect, I admit it also left me crying in my sleep, and wondered why I love him. But there was this one evident that led me to deciding to love him truly. That time where our relationship was simultaneously tested, weeks and weeks where we fight over petty things. Then I began to wonder about a life away from him, what it would be like if I go home, go back to the place where comfort is at its finest. There, I would not worry for safety, I would not go on worrying what to eat in a day, family is beside me to guide. But I will be far away from the man I love. And he is making the decision easy that time. Just a snap away from packing my bags and ride the first boat to Mindanao.
One early morning, when the sun is just about to shine, we were both crying. We both realize that letting go is inevitable, it scared us like hell. What would be life without him? I suddenly asked that question. What would be him if without me? I could not think only for my own sake. That is when I took the pen and wrote the oath in my heart; I will stay. I started to draw my life with him in it. He became a piece that could not be taken out from me. You see, if I based every decision from the feelings that day, I would have not seen him the way I saw him in that first day of falling in love. He would have been a part of another past. To be honest, I have felt the worse from being broken, but that does not mean that I have loved more before than I have loved Alex. What I chose is the one I love. And I am choosing him without apprehensions. From that day forth, I am seeing him in a different light. I began seeking of what is best for us, I began sharing what we could do together, I began wishing of things not only for myself but also for him. We smiled more together, and every smile he drew in his face makes me want to pat myself in the back, it only meant that the love I have for him made an additional happy creature in earth, thankful and hopeful. Everyday I see him change into a cheerful being, and that is enough for me, I could not ask for more. Maybe that is where the famous wedding vows came from. It still is being used up until this day maybe because it serves as a reminder of the true nature of love.
For me, Love partakes a different meaning to me. Not all of the time, 24/7 of your existence you will feel good towards the person. There are times where the adornment is at its peak, there are also moments where you look at the person and imagine slapping him in the cheeks nonstop. Yes feelings are fleeting. It is a roller coaster ride that goes up and down. Circumstance defines the feelings but not love. True declaration of love is to choose to love over and over again no matter what. The choice to love is constant, it never stops, in the middle of anger, in the middle of doubt, in the middle of depression, in the middle of confusion. These things that happens to you is a cause of feelings. Do not drag love to it. True love is a definition of getting up in the morning with nasty breaths and declaring love for each other. Or in the verge of a big fight, you still look at the person and deciding to yourself that you will stay because you love him.
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| Our first Christmas together |
The roller coaster ride of emotions should not dictate whether you love the person or not. It is when you write in your paper heart the contract to him and with The Creator that he is going to be that one. The one you agreed to that invisible contract you are going to be with for the rest of your life, This all reminds me of that time where I decided to sign that contract. I saw him far away coming to me one morning at work. And then, I felt insecurities within, that insufficiency, the lack and the question why. I have never been so scared my whole life. We have been going out more than a month that time. And I already saw his worst. He can be consumed with his computer games all day, he can also sometimes act childish when engaging a conversation with his friends. I started to doubt. Do I really want him? He is far more different than the ideal man I used to fantasize before. Before, I used to dream of a man with the capability to treat me like a princess, to bring me to new places for a taste of adventure, a man who could introduce me to classy dishes and tour me around his palace. Alex was never that man. Instead, he stands out as the most practical human being I have known. When there is no need of it, he does not spend on it. That part of him irritates me. He can also be so ill tempered at times. When he sees that I am being foolish and clumsy, he won't miss the chance to rebuke me even at public. His acts weren't always perfect, I admit it also left me crying in my sleep, and wondered why I love him. But there was this one evident that led me to deciding to love him truly. That time where our relationship was simultaneously tested, weeks and weeks where we fight over petty things. Then I began to wonder about a life away from him, what it would be like if I go home, go back to the place where comfort is at its finest. There, I would not worry for safety, I would not go on worrying what to eat in a day, family is beside me to guide. But I will be far away from the man I love. And he is making the decision easy that time. Just a snap away from packing my bags and ride the first boat to Mindanao.
One early morning, when the sun is just about to shine, we were both crying. We both realize that letting go is inevitable, it scared us like hell. What would be life without him? I suddenly asked that question. What would be him if without me? I could not think only for my own sake. That is when I took the pen and wrote the oath in my heart; I will stay. I started to draw my life with him in it. He became a piece that could not be taken out from me. You see, if I based every decision from the feelings that day, I would have not seen him the way I saw him in that first day of falling in love. He would have been a part of another past. To be honest, I have felt the worse from being broken, but that does not mean that I have loved more before than I have loved Alex. What I chose is the one I love. And I am choosing him without apprehensions. From that day forth, I am seeing him in a different light. I began seeking of what is best for us, I began sharing what we could do together, I began wishing of things not only for myself but also for him. We smiled more together, and every smile he drew in his face makes me want to pat myself in the back, it only meant that the love I have for him made an additional happy creature in earth, thankful and hopeful. Everyday I see him change into a cheerful being, and that is enough for me, I could not ask for more. Maybe that is where the famous wedding vows came from. It still is being used up until this day maybe because it serves as a reminder of the true nature of love.
Dear Alex,
I am sorry to be honest just now
I am sorry for the long nights
Where tears and chaos took a toll in how we perceived each other
I am sorry for taking a very long time to fully understand your nature
In this second letter I offer you
I want you to know that I choose you
With words I give warmth
With service you spoil me
The lovely flowers you have given me will be forever tattooed
From its red petals, it reminds me of a passion
Passion of love.
Let us not let loose from the bond that we created
Let our choices be the root to where we hold on
And let us not forget the day that we chose each other
I am not saying this because we will be building a home soon
I am not obliged to stay
This is my choice
You are my choice
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