Part 1: Love is not Convenient
It took me a very long time to write this. I am constantly thinking of making every single word perfect. But who am I kidding? I am not perfect and I can never be perfect. I am not even oriented to the title of a content writer, funny though, writing is where I live off right now. But I am writing this anyway. Because I know from this day forth, my life will never be the same.
I am only in my mid 20's and I am already looking at the pages of my life book where I contemplate on my learning of love. While flipping through the weary paper pages, I noticed that it got old as the years were added and it got stains of coffee from the overnight work, drops of tears from the sadness I bore for months, and the marks of blood from the pain I conquered. "I became wiser", I said to myself, smiled and remembered why.
Love is not convenient, like the cost you have to make in order to get something so valuable. There should be a price in everything. Love has no price, yes, in monetary value but love has the greatest value this world has ever known. Therefore what it demands should be equivalent to what its worth. It has taken a lot from me. When you create a list of all the things you offered for love, it is unending. From all the time it consumes from you, cancelling the friends' hangouts just to be with him, getting off from work early so that he will not end up waiting late for you, even doubting whether you are going to family dinner or your anniversary date. From all the "out of your principles" concept that you needed to understand, let us face it, you and him are not the same when you were born. You grew up differently, you believed in different values, some things that seems to be not right in your eyes, is just acceptable in his'. But you needed to compromise, open up your mind to possibilities to why he is like this. From all the tears you poured just to endure and make it work. When you fight and you do not know how to make it right, it all boils down to an emotional turmoil. And you started praying questions as to why and "Is this the end?". But after all of the inconveniences of love, you still choose to spend the price on it. Why?
Because Love is worth it. After adding all those times you spend with him comes memories that are worth keeping. After all the confusing and clashing principles, you learned to sit down and talk about agreement. And you realized how beautiful he is created to be like no other. After all the tears you shed, you then see how strong you are willing to become just to stay in this love. Think about it, this love might be right.
So how did I get my share of the pie? I came in Cebu a few months ago, I was completely clueless of what is to come. I never expected that a big change awaits me. I met a man whom I never was fond of, he seems to be so above me. The kind of man that imposes no attraction or any tiny affection towards you. Among all of my workmates, he is the only one in the pack that never laid eyes on me or even opened up a single conversation. Slowly, I noticed something odd, why do I desire seeing him look at me just once. Its as if I am quenching my thirst of vanity. Sooner or later he will be compelled to talk to me, I thought to myself. And then he did, just my luck, he was a man whom I could not lose interest easily. He was a trap. Once he opened up his mouth, he lets you see his knowledge, his wisdom on a lot of things. That is unfortunately my weakness, intelligence. I do not mind the looks, just the brain. When I noticed Him who is knowledgeable with the anatomy of the human body, I was stunned. I never saw him that way. And then there it began, my heart starts to create a small crush in my mid 20's. I took the initiative to say the first compliment to him. I still remember the day he missed on wearing a gel on his hair. He looked so effortless. I could not help but say "Hey, you look more handsome with your hair just that way". He just responded with a smile. Since that day, he started uttering "Hi's and Hello's" to this unassuming girl. Little by little, he can already come close and ask what I am doing. He started to enjoy the same things that I enjoy. He also laugh at things that I find funny. It is as if, he wanted to know how it feels to be me. And unknowingly he asked for my contact number from one of our friends. The way he asked me out was always flawless. He gave me the right expectations. As I was still foreign of the city, everywhere we go to is a fascination. He brought me to a Siomai house for breakfast. We only walked because it is more romantic that way, more time to talk, more time to hold each other's hands. Since then, we have been going out. But stories are not always happy scripts and romantic lines. We also had our rough times. The very first time he opened up how his mood is affected by his family issues, I started to get scared. He becomes distressed, not the man I admired the first time. He cried to me how life can sometimes take him aback from getting to his inspiration. We discovered things that we do not agree in. Like how he can be set apart from people he grew up with all his life. I can't do it. I have always found joy in pleasing these people, my family, my father most especially. As for him, he has the opposite view about his father. I find it difficult how to balance my time with him and how I could spend my free time with my family. Sometimes, I am left of not deciding anymore. I just go with how the wind takes me. And because of our behaviors, we find ourselves fighting over petty things. We ended up crying on the opposite end of the phone line because of fear of losing the relationship.
It was not easy. It took time to learn how to compromise, to sacrifice and how to be selfish. I learned to love myself as well. I learned that It is alright to allocate some special treatment for myself. I accepted his problems as if it was also mine, try to understand his place. If I were in his shoes, how would I feel. I learned to be him, As for disagreements, I went on and get to know his mother, and how she raised him. For me, he became even more admirable. A man so honest of his emotions that he can be so frank, a man so sensitive to the feelings of the people around him gets so stressed over a simple thing. A man so consumed in loving me, that he cries over the possibility of losing me. He is beautiful. Time never came against us when we introduced each other to our family, We became part of each other's home.
Dear Alex,
Every time you ask me whether I remember the very first days that we saw each other, I just smirked. I could not tell you directly that I do. Between the two of us, you were always the braver one to express emotions. You were never shy to tell me how much you love me. Well, let me tell you, I may not be good at words of affirmation but I am good at writing you letters. That is why I appreciate your letters for me deeply, that I smile every time I remember that you, a modern man, can still fold a piece of paper from your notebook and slip it inside my purse. I still remember how your personality impress me the first time. You may seem arrogant and strange, but it never stopped me from wondering who you are truly. Immediately, I took pride on the first days of our relationship. I said to myself, "here is a man, working, able, and constantly providing for his family at an early age, I chose the right one". And I did. We may have tough roads along the first months, but you never gave up. We both found happiness on those small times that we shared. We created fondness over sharing a plate together every time we eat. You were the only one who see contentment from simple things. A simple meal with you is already eventful. A simple t-shirt and a pair of worn out pants is enough. That is why maybe I will never get tired of writing stories for you.
P.s. this is only the first part, please bear with me and do not get tired of reading my letters for you. I have a surprise at the end of this series.
Ena
